For the past year, child star turned rapper and relatable sis, Keke Palmer, has been in the press increasingly in a (mostly) positive light. From mom-to-be, to publicly thriving GirlBoss with baby Leo, Keke was living her scandal-free life with her then boyfriend, Darius. The cute couple was in #BaeGoals territory when the vengeful spirit of Kevin Samuels possessed Darius to take a deep dive into his patriarchal bag.
For those who don’t know, Keke wore are sheer dress to an Usher concert. (It is important to note: the dress was sheer in several places but it was not Rihanna, #FreetheNip sheer. She did have her bitties covered). At the concert, Usher brought Keke on stage and serenaded her, as he has done with many celebs who have been in attendance of his 2023 Vegas shows. (See: Issa Rae, Saweetie, Kim Kardashian etc.). In response to Keke’s dress, her then boyfriend, Darius, took it upon himself to tweet about his disapproval of her outfit because —
“(she) a mom”.
He then doubled down on this by tweeting again about Keke’s booty cheeks. (I will rant about the misogyny and micromanagement of women who become mothers on a later date.)
As this case matured, Twitter erupted with accusations of Darius being insecure not because of Keke’s dress, but rather her reaction to Usher’s singing to her on stage. I personally, believe that Darius was insecure (and possibly a little narcissistic) about both Keke’s outfit and the attention she received from Usher. This is a great example of a man who felt that he’d lost the control he felt entitled to. Because of this, he tweeted as a control tactic by going public with his “standards”.
Also making headlines in the last couple months was Jonah Hill.
Recently Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend, surf instructor, Sarah Brady posted screenshots of a frequent conversation she’d have with Jonah. In the post she accused the seemingly unproblematic actor of being “emotionally abusive”.
With Jonah Hill never having been a subject of controversy or drama in the past, this has had the internet in a chokehold.
Some background on Sarah. She is a surf instructor and had been since meeting Jonah — via him sliding into her DM’s (on a surfing photo, no less).
This it brings us to the necessary conversation of where boundary setting ends and control and/or manipulation begins. To answer this question we must define both terms.
Boundary- An invisible line that defines what behaviors are acceptable for an individual. Personal boundaries are simply the lines we draw for ourselves in terms of our level of comfort around others.
Manipulation is directly influencing someone’s beliefs, desires, or emotions such that she falls short of ideals for belief, desire, or emotion in ways typically not in her self-interest or likely not in her self-interest in the present context. — What is Manipulation by Anne Barnhill via Oxford Academic
Boundaries deal with what you will not tolerate. They are set to inform loved ones and acquaintances alike of actions that are hurtful to you. Thus, if they commit those actions around you, you will remove yourself, break up with them, not talk to them, etc. Boundaries keep you around other people. They are rules for one’s self-governing, delineating what they will not tolerate from others.
From what I have gathered from the internet’s uproar, is that many people are not able to discern being manipulative, from setting a boundary when the message is relayed clearly and without profanity.
Clear communication does not equate to healthy communication.
When Jonah Hill’s ex, Sarah accused him of “weaponizing therapy talk” I think this is exactly what she meant. Even if you’re not being yelled at, called out of your name, or otherwise berated, that does not mean you’re not being emotionally abused or controlled. Jonah used clear communication in a very unhealthy way. In their case, it was manipulative of Jonah to take things Sarah was already doing (surfing with her male clients, modeling and posting videos in her bathing suit) and telling her to stop. There isn’t really anything Jonah could have said in place of these “requests”, being that Sarah was doing exactly the same things she was doing as when they first got together.
Hypothetically, let’s say Sarah was an accountant or nurse when her and Jonah met. Then, 6 months into their relationship, she started posting revealing photos that were out of the norm. He would then have the opportunity to set a boundary. “Sarah, I do not feel comfortable with you posting revealing photos online. ” In this case, if Sarah persisted, Jonah would use the boundary he set to remove himself from the relationship; NOT force her to delete said photos.
Unfortunately, it is all too common for toxic masculinity to manifest as control. I call this Control Theory: where projection and low self-esteem meet. This is normalized when coming from a man in our patriarchal society.
Projecting is using one’s internal atmosphere or thoughts to interpret a situation outside of one’s self.
(example: Getting accused of cheating by a cheater because they inferred that your smiling at someone of the opposite sex means that you are not loyal — because they are battling with their own thoughts or actions internally.)
My best advice for anyone in a situation similar to Darius or Jonah Hill is:
If you can’t handle a bad bitch, don’t date one. Respectfully.